2006 - 2007

T-minus 2 plus hours and counting, and in cliche fashion I'm sitting at the monitor, considering this past year and the next. These arbitrary sand-lines always seem odd to me. Will I really feel different at 12:00, when it's suddenly "2007"?

Still, being one who is given to linear-rational methods of thinking, these clean breaks help me gather myself and gauge my direction (or lack thereof).

Some free-form thoughts about 2006 and 2007 to come...

2006

Gap between 2 front teeth, cheeks puffed, eyes squinted and I can't get enough. Rising and falling on my chest to the slowing, mellowing breaths and droning hum. Baby baby boy, boy boy baby! My knees are tired, but I dare not stop...I don't want to stop.

You made me remember who I wanted to be, but it’s still in fleeting, misty fog. Through sun-breaks now and again I’m hit in the face with self loathing and remorse. I know who I’m not almost as well as who I am, but why is it so hard to reverse the two? When did I let myself get chained and when will I let myself be free? The vision of the other man haunts me. Does he lift me up or is he just taunting me? I have to know who he is. I have to know who he is! One day you’ll be him or me, but he’s so far away and I feel I’m on borrowed time. He’s waiting for me to meet him.

But I’m a dichotomy and I’m dragged through the details. Self-reliant, just wanting to fall into trust. Guarded, looking to connect. Selfish, driven by generosity. Lazy, energized by activity. Carefree, obsessed. Relaxed, on-edge.

Ahh, but that’s just too deep and we won’t go there. We know how the game works and it would be too dangerous to change the rules. Stick to the norms and enjoy the ride. The dirty little secret? We all want a little more, and it’s the same “more” we’re after. We just can’t let each other know for fear of …

But there are more mountains than valleys and it’s time to remember those.

So I’ll close my eyes, because you’re there. Your eyes bend the corner of my cheek. I know you don’t realize your complexion is identical to the color of grace. It’s purity and grace that clothe you and I still don’t know how it is that I belong next to beauty like yours. What bravery! Push! Pride swelling, heart melting, bumps tingling. The everyday knot in my throat feels so emotional, and I can’t figure out how to show it. It rests there but I know you see it sometimes. The words fail me and sometimes I fail the actions, but the knot never goes away. I only hope you know what I mean. I just wish I were better.

You remind me again who it is that I’m supposed to be. Love is a constant reminder. I have a family to love, 2007 is nearing. I now resolve this for 2007…to meet a man.